Category Archives: Thoughts
Upon a Lilac Sea
To toss incessantly
His Plush Alarm
Who fleeing from the Spring
The Spring avenging fling
To Dooms of Balm………Emily Dickinson
But the best I can come up with is Feminine. It’s a lady’s flower. At least that’s what I think. Love my Lilacs.
Good morning. Say, guess whose birthday it is. I remember when I turned 40, I had some ask if that big birthday bothered me at all. It did not. I kept waiting for it to hit me. I knew a couple of friends that were very upset turning the big 4-0. But for some reason, I loved turning forty. It is a great age. At least for me. It is an age where you are wiser, you know what you don’t know, and you don’t really care that you don’t know it. 🙂 It is also an age that you really stop caring what people think of you and you become more who you are for the world to see. At least that is how it was for me. Yes, I loved turning 40.
So now I am waiting for this birthday to bother me in some way. Today, Konnie Jean Staab-Miller turns 50! I am so happy to be doing so. 🙂 Maybe it has something to do with 4 years ago, me wondering if I would ever get to be 50. But I don’t think that is it. I don’t feel 50. Oh my body sure does. Between the scars, arthritis, “issues”, weight gain, gray hair,……Oh I wear every bit of my 50. But inside, I still feel like a silly 16-year-old. Well ok, I am not as shy, and I know what I don’t know. When you are 16, 26, even 36, you are JUST SO SURE of yourself. Now, my usual answers to questions are, “Not sure, possibly, maybe, etc.” But I feel 16 inside because I still get extremely happy when I get to spend time with my highschool sweetheart, I still dance around the house while doing my chores, I still love animals (more than some humans) 🙂 I still crank up the radio when my Elton comes on. I still have tons of useless music trivia in my head. (Just can’t remember what I did yesterday). I still respect and admire my mom, my sisters are still my best friends, I still try to torture my brothers, (they return the favor). Some things really don’t change.
But at 50, my kids are all grown and I am happy to be watching them form new lives, happy for my grandchild and will wait patiently for more. Happy for the life LL and I have formed ourselves.
I guess I am just happy to have another birthday. Must say, when LL and I were talking about it last night, I said it only hits me a little when I think about it this way……in twenty years I will be 70! LOL Well Happy 50th Birthday to me!!!
Feeling a bit more positive today after my memory meltdown yesterday. 🙂 As I said before, my focus and memory gets me down. Probably more so than even my digestive issues. But I am so excited about my kids lives. Last year, there were five of us in our little family. LL, the kids and I are very close. But three additions with Lisa, Brantley and now Rett is very exciting for our family. So next year there will officially be eight of us.
Bailey and I have a couple of ideas for venues for her wedding. They can’t really set the date till they know where and what dates are available. So I think Saturday morning, Bailey and I will be dragging Rett and LL to at least one of the places. Bailey and I both agree that the venue is one decision both Rett and LL need to be in on.
Since this will be a big year with 2 weddings, I don’t want to flake out on any of the planning. And this is a good time of year to buy a planner. I used to have a nice large one that fit in my purse when I was working. It had everything from calendar, phone numbers and addresses, business cards, a place for notes etc. I have a household organizer, but I really need to have something that is small enough to fit in my purse, but large enough to hold everything. Since I am cheap, umm, I mean frugal, I will see if I can find one of my old ones and buy new inserts like a calendar to put in.
Because of being a hermit and not having much of a social life, the things I forget are usually not that important, but that won’t do this year. I do not want to drop the ball for Bailey or Kane. Their nuptials are too important. Don’t get me wrong, I am not good at wedding planning. Not even my wedding. I really had very little definite opinions for my own wedding. So what ever the kids plan will pretty much be fine with me. But if they need help with anything, I want their Mom to be dependable.
So wish me luck on this upcoming crazy year. 🙂
If I were a poet, I would tell you about the beauty of the promise of a bloom. Like youth, the beauty shows hints of what is to come.
If I were a poet, I would compare the beauty of a berry, ripening in the sun, to a young woman, developing in her beauty and sweetening with age.
If I were a poet, I would compare a tired young mother, who can lose herself for a few years in the busyness and stress of raising her children…..to the crowd of foliage, if you blink, you will miss it. The tiny wildflower just begging to be noticed.
If I were a poet, I would compare a withering flower to growing old. Looks weathered and tired but has its own unique beauty that can not be ignored. Look close inside that old woman, you will see a loveliness that the young bloom of a girl could not possess. Look even closer and you will see drops of rain, like life, still nourishing, still full of promise.
If I were a poet, I would be able to explain to you why I think this bench is so lovely. Scars and all. It shows years of life led and like the stones visited on Memorial day…..peoples names, years lived, this bench holds memories for someone still living. Holds memories of perhaps a grandfather sitting with a child, sharing a slice of watermelon and telling the child of the good old days……perhaps, just perhaps.
Years ago, when LL was at a Men’s Retreat through church, a friend of ours was expressing his frustration that his son was having such a difficult medical problem. Then the friend looked at LL and said, “I can’t believe I am complaining to you about my problems when you have Max with such lifelong issues”. LL, being the compassionate man that he is, looked at the friend and said, “I know what you are saying because I get down about things and then I look over at _____, (whose child had died) and think, what am I complaining about.
Then I think about me sitting with a couple of people, one was completely coming unglued about an impending divorce and turned to me and said “I can’t handle this! No one knows what it is like to have your life fall apart like mine”. I did not say anything to that person, but the other person sitting there said, “Are you kidding me, you are saying that to Konnie who has a very disabled son, lost her dad and mother-in-law within a couple of months, her house and every thing she owns burned in the fire, and she is now battling Cancer.” This was a couple of years ago. I remember sitting there and appreciated this friends words, but came away feeling more depressed then I had been in a long time.
Fast forward to last night. LL came home from his councelling session. He never gives me names, towns, or any particulars, but said it was a rough night. One of his clients last week, on the same day, lost his dad and his son. The same DAY. Both unexpected. When clients miss a meeting, they have to show proof of death. This man did in fact go through this.
So I feel I have had a splash of reality. Yes, for the average person going through life, having no rectum, neuropathy, having to wear diapers, limited diet, and soiling oneself to the point that they live life mostly at home is a terrible existence. Frankly, after I just typed that, I don’t really like my lot in life either……but when compared to the heartache the man LL is helping is going through……Well, I have got it pretty good. Not saying that in a few days, when digestion or other factors make me feel bad, that I won’t complain here about it…OH I WILL. But
Count your blessings……I am!